Law School, Choir, and Floods

Well, since my last post I have both started law school and nearly finished an entire semester. I guess the life of a law student is pretty busy.

My Contracts professor begins each class period with a reading, a prayer, or some sort of inspirational word. Today, she started with a reading by Mother Theresa. I don't remember what the reading was about, but it reminded me of a beautiful choral piece I was able to sing while at Concordia.

Dr. Clausen's "Prayer," which we performed too many times to count during the 2009-2010 school year, has such a powerful and utterly beautiful text set to music in a way only the Doc can. The text is from a poem attributed to Mother Theresa, and I've transcribed it from Clausen's piece below:

~~~

Help me,
Help me spread your fragrance wherever I go.
Flood my soul,
Flood my soul with your spirit and life.
Penetrate and possess my whole being so utterly
that my life may be only a radiance of yours, a radiance of yours.
Shine through me and be so in me that every soul I know will feel your presence in my soul.
Let them look up, look up,
look up and see no longer me
but only you.
Amen.
~~~

This isn't meant to be an in-your-face theological discussion. For me, the piece is a way to connect to the point of it all. "It" life, "it" spirituality, "it" education--all of it. Every time I listen to the piece (click here), I remember the rehearsals, the passion, the man who tried to capture, in one score, a desperate longing for God's life and radiance.

I remember how the original poem simply started "Help me spread your fragrance...," but that Clausen was struck by the simple "help me."

I am struck, each and every time, by the fact that the line "flood my soul" usually connotes overwhelming joy, but in Fargo/Moorhead in the fall of 2009, a flood reminds us of a fierce, sometimes terrifying thing. After all, it was in the spring of 2009 when the mighty Red River flooded the region, destroyed homes, shut down schools and colleges, and evacuated all residents. It is not a simple feeling; it is an uncontrollable force that spills out of the banks of our control and into our entire lives.

I am struck by the overwhelming desperation of Mother Theresa and Dr. Clausen for a radiance and life to be so alive within me, within you, within the one reading or singing these lines, to be so alive that every person can feel something different. I am overwhelmed by the reminder that we seek the life not for ourselves but for those around us, so they can look up and feel that presence too.

And, for me, I am struck by the fact that I was very aware of the blessing I had while I was in The Concordia Choir, but I still could not know how to treasure the moments until I left. What a lesson.

Before the Commencement Concert in the spring of 2012.
Seniors were honored with red carnations for the concert.

Carpe Diem

A few updates about my life: a couple weeks ago I rolled my car. It was moving day, and I was crazy excited so I was driving too fast around a corner--not speeding, mind you, just too fast for the curve-- when I fishtailed and rolled down the hill. Other than back and muscle issues, I'm fine. My car, however, was totaled.

After being pulled back to the road

The interesting part of it all is that it happened in such a short period of time. Seconds. I was driving down the road, listening to the radio, thinking about my new apartment. Excited to begin a new adventure. Then, suddenly, it all changed. I couldn't go into work because of movement restrictions on my back, and I lost my job. It's been tough. I've struggled to unpack in some semblance of a timely fashion while simultaneously restricting my movement so I can be mostly healed before law school starts. Errands, oh, blessed errands, are endless. I need a new backpack--with wheels-- but I'd prefer something without a cartoon on it. I need to get groceries, but it's difficult to bring them inside. Cleaning supplies, a printer for school, bedding for my first full-size bed... it's a lot. 

Tow truck operator analyzing the situation.

Yet, the whole situation could be a lot worse. I rolled down a hill and was stopped by trees, but the windshield never broke. No sapling stabbed me. I left with a seatbelt bruise and without a single scratch. Also, even though I destroyed a car that I loved more than a person should love a car, I have a new car to drive. Insurance has been great, everyone has been so supportive, and I realized I'm happy with where I am in life. 

If your life ended right now, would you be okay with the last conversation you had with your parents? Siblings? With the way you work when you're at work? With the job you have? The education you attained? With the words you said or the words you left unsaid?

My life didn't flash before my eyes in the rollover. I didn't see something I need to fix. I saw all of the wonderful things I wouldn't have gotten to do. I didn't get to go to law school, get married, or have kids. How many people can say that their only regret would be not reaching the future that they're on the path to living?

In an attempt to get back to crafting, which I used to love, this is what I made this weekend (you put cards in the pockets):

Balance: Cosmo or Businessweek

Today I discovered one of my favorite CDs from last summer. As I was cruising down the road with the windows down, sunglasses on, and sun warming my left arm, Colbie Caillat's "Dream Life, Life" came on:

Dear someoneHave you ever wanted outOf all the stressfulnessAll the businessYou could do withoutTake all of your worriesThrow them awayEveryday should be a fun dayThats what I say

All I want is a dream life lifeWith the ones I lovePlaying all day longLaying back by the water sideWith nowhere to goAnd the music onAll I want is my dream lifeTo be my real lifeHow could that be wrongAll we have is this lifeSo make it be what you wantAll I want is a dream life, lifeAll I want is a dream life, life

Dear summerWill you find your way back homeI miss your golden kissHow you warm my skinWhere did you go?Take all of my worriesAnd burn them upEveryday will be a fun dayUnlock my handcuffs

All I want is a dream life lifeWith the ones I lovePlaying all day longLaying back by the water sideWith no where to goAnd the music onAll I want is my dream lifeTo be my real lifeHow could that be wrongAll we have is this lifeSo make it be what we wantAll I want is a dream life, lifeAll I want is a dream life, life

No, I did not call in sick to work todayNo, I'm not out hanging with my friendsThere's no more wasting time on what I think I'm supposed to doMy clock is standing still so

I can have my dream life lifeWith the ones I lovePlaying all day longLaying back by the water sideWith nowhere to goAnd the music onI'm working hard for my dream lifeTo be my real lifeAnd that can't be wrongAll I have is this lifeSo I'm making it what I want
This song is genius. I'm on my last break in my undergraduate career. Easter's here, and everyone is excited to be done. We all want free time, summer--a dream-life life, as Colbie says. Yet, I'm struggling with that feeling of freedom other seniors are craving, because I am going to law school. I am continuing my education, and I am excited about that too.
Maybe it's just a mindset, it's a culture that says we are supposed to complain about work or school. We are supposed to "live for the weekend," right? The problem with that is that we never enjoy life. Life is all about the journey. It is the journey. It is a series of challenges, changes, of moments. Life is a series of accepting things we never thought we'd be old enough to face. That's my motto, but it doesn't have to be a negative thing.
What if we, as a society, balanced one extreme to "live life in the moment and not lose your life to work" with the other that says "your work determines your life, because it pays for the dreams you want"? I'm figuring out how to do that, I just wish there was a magazine that reflected my phase of life--it's not either Cosmo or Businessweek.